Seriously, she has really impressed me in our two meetings we've had with her. She wants what is best for Tanya, and us, which is not going to be an easy task. She's really talking in depth with us about what we should expect through this whole process AND what we should expect in the future with Tanya as a member of our family. Our meetings seem to go longer each time. And that's easy for me to see. I love to talk about adoption, our kids Taylor and Aiden, and Tanya.
But it's not always the fairy tale. Sure, on the outside everything looks great. I mean really, as far as adoptions go, most are trying to bond with a picture of a child at first. It's easy for some mothers to connect with a child they've never met, some not so easy. But we as mothers often "create" that bond through the long waiting process, which as all adoptive mamas know, is excruciating! It's so hard to look at a picture of your child, read about their progress from time to time and wait on the next little tidbit of info your strung along with as it's made available to you. It's tough! I've been there. In waiting for Aiden to come home, it seemed like an eternity. To be so excited when the next Well Baby Check comes, stalking email. Yeah, you know you're an adoptive mama when the sight of a new email about your baby is in your inbox!
So how is it when you're adopting an older child? How about even a teenager you've met, even lived with you and your family for 5 weeks? This kind of process is different from the "wanting to adopt, waiting on a referral (a child), going through the motions, then bringing them home" kind of adoption. Plus, you don't know anything about the child, not getting the full background of what they've been subjected to, endured, and how they've lived for the past 15 years.
There are a lot of uncertainties when adopting an older child. What kind of influence has she had in her last 15 years? Being from a different country as us, different culture, different everything, how does that play a role? Our Social Worker has the experience and knowledge to lead us to where we need to be before we bring Tanya home. We need to be prepared for her and all possibilities and expectations concerning her. This will not be easy. She's not had parental influence in a very very long time. Flipping a switch and expecting her to be "okay" with all the changes at once will not be easy for any of us. Think about it. She's lived in an orphanage for a long period of time. Sure when we hosted her this summer, it was rough for the first two weeks. She had complete culture shock, totally terrified of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Then, around the third week, something happened. She started to change, open up more, maybe even trusting just a little. It was amazing to see. But, hosting is over, we are adopting her. She will have a brother, a sister, a mother and a father, new home, new culture, all will change for her. The mere thought can be overwhelming in itself.
But, she is not a stranger, we are not total strangers to her. Can this work? Yes. Will it be easy? No. What does the future hold? I have no idea. I have no predictions for our future with Tanya in it. But all research shows it will be hard, possibly very hard. I know that. But will it be worth it? I hope so. I don't know the answer to that either. Hosting was kind of like the fairy tale, for us and her. We had fun, learned to enjoy our time together. When she comes to America to live with us, her family, the fairy tale is over. The real life for her will be a rude awakening. We have got to be prepared for anything that may come our way. It's going to take some work on our parts, not just mine, the hubs AND me! We have got to be present and listening to all our kids, also to each other. The hubs and I have to have a very strong bond with each other for this to work. We've got homework to do, to study up, read, learn, and listen. And our Social Worker is helping us immensely with that!
Where am I going with all of this? (Geez Leah make you point!) Listening. Okay, that's my point. What I'm learning is, you have to listen. Not just with your ears. You have to listen with your whole being. You need to observe, be present, and listen. Our family is about to be turned upside down. Tanya's life is about to be turned upside down. We've not been her parental influence for the last 15 years. Making a total change like that isn't going to come easy, but, with the right tools, we can be armed and ready to deal, just by listening.
A fellow adoptee said it best. Her name is Carissa Woodwyk. I also had the privilege of hearing her speak at the Created For Care retreat last March. Here's a link. Another fellow adoptee had this to say about Carissa.
"This past April I had the privilege of hearing this sweet woman's words in person. As an adopted person myself, it touched my heart often accompanied by "yes" or "thank you" ... Adoption is a beautiful thing but it involves pain, and loss and a hardness that many don't understand because they see themselves as rescuing a child... And as many hear feel safe to "vent" or "warn" about the children they have in their home or maybe seek to adopt... Please understand that's cutting to those of us who know and feel the other side. Please before you judge the reactions and responses and hardness of these children ... Please please take the time first to step in and "Listen". What the adopted/foster person needs to hear, see, feel is "you are worth it and I want to walk with you wherever that takes us, I want to, I am willing to, walk there with you, beside you... You do not have to walk alone". So, are you willing to walk? To listen? Will it be painful and hurtful, and scary, a roller coaster that seems to take you in twists and turns that just when you think it's about to come to a halt it lerches in another unexpected direction? Yes, over and over again I say yes... But guess what, you think you don't want to go there... These children, your children, they don't have a choice... They are on that roller coaster forever...the only thing that slows it down and at times brings it to a halt is someone willing to say.. "I will ride with you". Please step back from what you see, but take the time to step in and listen."
Agreed! I'm listening.....
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