I'm Listening ....

The hubs and I met with our Social Worker yesterday for the second time. I have to say, I am loving our Social Worker. She is the director of our Home Study agency, has A LOT of experience, and really is investing her time with us and our plan to adopt Tanya, our Ukrainian beauty.

Seriously, she has really impressed me in our two meetings we've had with her. She wants what is best for Tanya, and us, which is not going to be an easy task. She's really talking in depth with us about what we should expect through this whole process AND what we should expect in the future with Tanya as a member of our family. Our meetings seem to go longer each time. And that's easy for me to see. I love to talk about adoption, our kids Taylor and Aiden, and Tanya. 

But it's not always the fairy tale. Sure, on the outside everything looks great. I mean really, as far as adoptions go, most are trying to bond with a picture of a child at first. It's easy for some mothers to connect with a child they've never met, some not so easy. But we as mothers often "create" that bond through the long waiting process, which as all adoptive mamas know, is excruciating! It's so hard to look at a picture of your child, read about their progress from time to time and wait on the next little tidbit of info your strung along with as it's made available to you. It's tough! I've been there. In waiting for Aiden to come home, it seemed like an eternity. To be so excited when the next Well Baby Check comes, stalking email. Yeah, you know you're an adoptive mama when the sight of a new email about your baby is in your inbox! 

So how is it when you're adopting an older child? How about even a teenager you've met, even lived with you and your family for 5 weeks? This kind of process is different from the "wanting to adopt, waiting on a referral (a child), going through the motions, then bringing them home" kind of adoption. Plus, you don't know anything about the child, not getting the full background of what they've been subjected to, endured, and how they've lived for the past 15 years. 

There are a lot of uncertainties when adopting an older child. What kind of influence has she had in her last 15 years? Being from a different country as us, different culture, different everything, how does that play a role? Our Social Worker has the experience and knowledge to lead us to where we need to be before we bring Tanya home. We need to be prepared for her and all possibilities and expectations concerning her. This will not be easy. She's not had parental influence in a very very long time. Flipping a switch and expecting her to be "okay" with all the changes at once will not be easy for any of us. Think about it. She's lived in an orphanage for a long period of time. Sure when we hosted her this summer, it was rough for the first two weeks. She had complete culture shock, totally terrified of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Then, around the third week, something happened. She started to change, open up more, maybe even trusting just a little. It was amazing to see. But, hosting is over, we are adopting her. She will have a brother, a sister, a mother and a father, new home, new culture, all will change for her. The mere thought can be overwhelming in itself. 

But, she is not a stranger, we are not total strangers to her. Can this work? Yes. Will it be easy? No. What does the future hold? I have no idea. I have no predictions for our future with Tanya in it. But all research shows it will be hard, possibly very hard.  I know that. But will it be worth it? I hope so. I don't know the answer to that either. Hosting was kind of like the fairy tale, for us and her. We had fun, learned to enjoy our time together. When she comes to America to live with us, her family, the fairy tale is over. The real life for her will be a rude awakening. We have got to be prepared for anything that may come our way. It's going to take some work on our parts, not just mine, the hubs AND me! We have got to be present and listening to all our kids, also to each other. The hubs and I  have to have a very strong bond with each other for this to work. We've got homework to do, to study up, read, learn, and listen. And our Social Worker is helping us immensely with that!  

Where am I going with all of this? (Geez Leah make you point!) Listening. Okay, that's my point. What I'm learning is, you have to listen. Not just with your ears. You have to listen with your whole being. You need to observe, be present, and listen. Our family is about to be turned upside down. Tanya's life is about to be turned upside down. We've not been her parental influence for the last 15 years. Making a total change like that isn't going to come easy, but, with the right tools, we can be armed and ready to deal, just by listening. 

A fellow adoptee said it best. Her name is Carissa Woodwyk. I also had the privilege of hearing her speak at the Created For Care retreat last March. Here's a link. Another fellow adoptee had this to say about Carissa. 

"This past April I had the privilege of hearing this sweet woman's words in person. As an adopted person myself, it touched my heart often accompanied by "yes" or "thank you" ... Adoption is a beautiful thing but it involves pain, and loss and a hardness that many don't understand because they see themselves as rescuing a child... And as many hear feel safe to "vent" or "warn" about the children they have in their home or maybe seek to adopt... Please understand that's cutting to those of us who know and feel the other side. Please before you judge the reactions and responses and hardness of these children ... Please please take the time first to step in and "Listen". What the adopted/foster person needs to hear, see, feel is "you are worth it and I want to walk with you wherever that takes us, I want to, I am willing to, walk there with you, beside you... You do not have to walk alone". So, are you willing to walk? To listen? Will it be painful and hurtful, and scary, a roller coaster that seems to take you in twists and turns that just when you think it's about to come to a halt it lerches in another unexpected direction? Yes, over and over again I say yes... But guess what, you think you don't want to go there... These children, your children, they don't have a choice... They are on that roller coaster forever...the only thing that slows it down and at times brings it to a halt is someone willing to say.. "I will ride with you". Please step back from what you see, but take the time to step in and listen."

Agreed! I'm listening.....

Mrs. Lemmons? .....

I wish I would have heard that instead of "Leigh?" when I went for my physical at the doctor's office last week. Instead, I heard my first name pronounced - "Lee?".  About 50% of the time, my first name gets pronounced wrong. It's Leah (Le-uh), not Leigh, or Lee, or Leigha, just Leah (Le-uh). It's even in the bible. How many of you knew that?

It's happened all my life really. When I was in grade school on up into high school, my first name was always, always, pronounced wrong. Then, in college, my last name was pronounced wrong. How would you pronounce, "Bamman"? Seriously? My professors were thinking too hard, how many different ways can  you pronounce the name, "Bamman"? They were very creative and obviously thinking too hard. It's pronounced just like it looks, "Bam-man". Okay.  Moving on....

The first steps have been completed. Both sets of Applications have been submitted to our Home Study agency and our adoption agency. Then, hopefully it's on to the second visit with our social worker. This last week, I had my physical done, and this week Mike's getting his done. Waiting to get the paperwork back from Mike's physical and blood work this week.  It's required for our adoption of Tanya. Yah! We're moving on....

Next, all of this is to be filed with our adoption agency. It's mostly just "agreement" papers, all legal stuff, notarized, blah blah blah blah.  You have no idea how many trees the government kills in filing adoption paperwork! Redundant and excessive to say the least!  So in taking part in the forest killing spree, the first round of paperwork is done.

Next? Money....it's time to start fundraising! And I mean, FUNDRAISING!!! Adoptions are not simple, nor cheap. It seems like anything that has to have the governments involvement is not cheap or short in process. It's usually slow, slower, and even s-l-o-w-e-r than you would expect. Many have asked me how long it will take to get Tanya home. We've been told maybe traveling by March, April of next year? There's really no certain time line for adoptions. It's the waiting game. Any adoptive parent can tell you that. (usually while gritting their teeth!)

Next? Tanya's birthday is in mid September! Our girl turns 16! We gave her an American birthday party with family while she was here.

Right down to blowing out the candles! Aiden wanted his own to "bwow" out so he got a cupcake. I really, really think she enjoyed it. She was a bit overwhelmed with the family being there, but after a while she warmed up to each one individually. It was great to see her smile and be so excited about the presents, cards, etc! Loved seeing her smiling for the next few days! She was so happy!

Can't believe she's turning 16 and she won't be here. So, I'm sending her a small care package in the mail. I'm also sending her brother a small care package too. Tanya's  package has things I know she'll love. (not going to spoil the surprise in case our girl finds my blog, they do have internet in Ukraine!) But, I am sending her brother Vanya something too. He is 18 and will remain in Ukraine. It makes me sad that she'll be leaving her brother, but with internet and letters, hopefully they can remain in constant contact.

I sure hope Vanya and Tanya get them. I've already sent Tanya a letter and it seemed to take around 3 weeks to get to her in Ukraine. The small packages are nothing of great value, just small gifts, just in case it does get "intercepted" before Vanya and Tanya get them. But I hope they do get them. Tanya's package has a Happy 16th Birthday card in it.

Life is moving on with or with out my consent. Days pass, one right after another. The hurry up and wait is just beginning, just waiting on the next step....that's all I can do right now....

Moving mountains ....

                     


So what's with all these mountain metaphors?!? Seriously, one can not move a mountain!  I mean, that's almost impossible right? But, when you think of metaphors, anything sounds possible. Like moving a mountain. Yeah, just call me super mom, I can't physically move a mountain, but I can use the metaphor as much as I want to represent what all I have accomplished these days! It's a big deal so I need something BIG to represent it!


         
               

Our official application was submitted to An Open Door Adoption Agency (AODAA) on August 15th. On August 20th, the day after my birthday, we were notified that we were "approved" to proceed with our adoption. Yes, we are trying to adopt Tetiana, our host daughter from this summer. It has not been easy up until this point. Read the title of this blog post again. Go ahead, I'll wait........ Mountain again? Yep, there it is again. We had gotten word that Tanya (which is what I'm trying to remind myself to call Tetiana from now on, it's what she prefers) was wanting to be adopted about a week after she returned to Ukraine, but we did not get word of this till the following week, talk about tense waiting to get word from her!

These last 3 weeks have been really hard. I won't bore you with the magnitude of the mountains but it seemed like one after another appeared in our path. Seriously, it seemed like dynamite couldn't even blast these monstrous things out of our way. (totally using metaphors again, I do not want to be known for blowing people up, I'm an adoptive mama and certainly not the only one who's had that thought!)  Had to wait on this to be okayed, then had to wait on that to be okayed, what was the problem with that, does this work, or do we need to do it that way??? Over and over and over again. Finally, realizing mountains can be moved. When you think there's no way, what will be the outcome, what's going to happen, your life has to be put on hold till an answer can be found. And, any adoptive parent knows, waiting is the hardest part of an adoption process!! There is NO metaphor for that!

So, I have been knee deep with application paperwork! (I'm starting to like these metaphors.) Here's my organized chaos.

I'm a super neat freak, no lie. Ask anyone who knows me! Binder, paper protectors, stapler, high lighter, pens, pens, and more pens, plus the trusty ole "got love? adopt". bag for all of it! Thanks Kelly A! Does this look familiar to anyone?

Aiden's adoption files, all of it! From the beginning, to after we brought him home, right down to the Finalization and COC!!  Worked pretty well, very organized and kept safe! Hey, it works! And works well for me. The second time around, this should be a piece of cake!

                                       

 (Someone stop me! I'm in metaphorictopia<--is that a word? My blog, I say it is!) 

So, what's next you ask? Well, I just shipped off her care package. New Horizons For Children staff are traveling to Ukraine on an interview trip soon and will take some of our kids things in a zip lock bag. Here's the contents of Tanya's bag. =)

The girl loved Zombie's when she was here. We saw a zombie movie which she loved! So I found some Zombie candy and pins, some earrings I know she'll like and gum of course! Anyone who knows anything about hosting kids is, it's all about the GUM factor! They love gum and I know Tanya loves gummy worms. Susie, Tanya's package didn't get here before she left so I'm sending her your gummy bears you sent her! Thanks again! I'm also sending her the last of her pictures. When she was here, I took all kinds of pictures. At the end of her 5 weeks here, I had all the pictures I took printed,  bought an album and she put every one of those pictures in that album. These pictures are the ones from her last day here. I also wrote her a short note. Anytime I wrote her anything or gave her a small surprise while she was napping, was always with a big smiley face. =) Here's a post it note I would always leave on a fruit or something I left outside her door when she would nap. 

It's interesting, she would always keep the post it notes visible, on her calender that hung on her wall in her room. Sweet girl, she kept EVERYTHING!

I've read where some host kids will be the perfect child while visiting you and when you adopt them, it's like a different child has come to live with you. My expectations are not high, actually, I don't really have any at all, only to say, "I expect the worst and hope for the best". This will be a very hard transition for Tanya, and, my whole family. It's not just learning how to adjust, it's changing the whole core of your families world. We are a strong family, we have strong family ties and beliefs. And it doesn't hurt to get help from some books. In the words of our Social Worker, "you can never be too prepared, get all the education you can!" Thanks Julie, I intend to!

Julie also recommended the book, The Connected Child. All my adoptive mamas know that book! Can't wait to get my hands on that one!! 

Just to show you how far I would go for my kids, click here! (read the rest of this post before you click "here" to watch the video or hit the "back" button on your web browser after you view it)  Thanks so much Megan for the wonderful video. I have no more fear left in me! Thanks for the great documentation. 

So.... mountains may be in our way at various times in this process to bring Tanya home, but we'll have to tackle them one at a time. I ran across this verse the other night. I think it says it best. 

Matthew 17:20

English Standard Version (ESV)

20 He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

I can't explain it ...

Okay, so it's been a while. Trying to continue from the last blog post here might be difficult, so here goes.

So we fundraised our butts off trying to raise the funds to Host Tetiana, a 15 year old orphan,  from Ukraine. Wow, just wow! Everyone donated, chimed in, helped us out tremendously and we THANK YOU!! Hosting Tetiana was so rewarding but trying at times. By the 3rd week she was with us, she had made a total turn around, started talking more, wasn't as scared as the day she arrived in the US (let me just say, this girl was terrified!) By the time the 5th week came around, she did not want to go home. "No Ukraine, NO Ukraine" she said on the way to the airport. We all agreed.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do up until this point in my life. Saying goodbye to this girl was horrible!!! In the short time she was with us, I saw such a tremendous change in her. From this scared, terrified girl, who had never been out of her own little country, and was from a very remote area.

To this confident, funny, silly girl whom we'd grown to care about, A LOT!

She was very very brave to come to a country where everything was different; the language, people, foods, smells, time change, you name it! It was all different to her! That can be a very overwhelming experience, and it was for Tetiana. But, by the 4th week she had settled in pretty good and gotten accustomed somewhat to us as a family. We stayed up pretty late, our schedules were crazy, but I loved it! Tetiana loves children and likes to help take care of them. This was so apparent within the first 5 minutes Aiden and Tetiana met! Tetiana was so helpful with Aiden, they clicked instantly.

Tetiana and Taylor have so much in common, right down to their wardrobes! Skinny jeans and high top shoes is their fav! How is it a girl from almost half way around the world could possibly have so much in common with our girl, Taylor?

I could write for days of our little experiences with Tetiana, but, breathe easy I won't. =)  Everyday was a new experience for her. Every hour was a new experience for her. To see all those new experiences first hand, was simply amazing, and fun! She survived, we survived. Just know that our little experience with her for the 5 weeks was well worth it! So much so, that we've decided to adopt her. She turns 16 in mid September.

This will be no easy task. From whatever her life was for the last 15 years will not be overcome in a years time living with us. Times will be hard, times will be tough. Read these words of wisdom by a hosting/adoptive mama: "When you add a new member to the family either through adoption, birth, fostering, etc... It ALWAYS throws life out of orbit for awhile and requires a reinvention of the family and a redefining of normal and daily rhythms. So that is the state we find ourselves in right now."

So yeah, life might be a little difficult in the near future, okay it might be really difficult in the near future! This same hosting/adoptive mama also said this: " Hosting is like an adoption "honeymoon period" on steroids. It is the VERY BEST behavior they can muster. It isn't a reflection of what real life would look like in a permanent situation. If you commit to a child, you have to go into it knowing that parenting hurt children is VERY challenging (rewarding for sure, but it will stretch you to your limit, and then God will grow you some more, so you can stretch further!

So yes, I get it. Our lives will be turned upside down. But, her life will be forever changed by us. And we will be forever changed by her. She is choosing to leave her birth country and all she's ever known to come to America and live with my family and become one of my family. That in itself is MAJOR!

So, no, I can't explain it! It's just something you feel, something you want to do, something so MAJOR to have such an impact on your life, you have to do it, but I just can not explain it. You don't have to understand it, or accept it, period.